The End of the Trump Whitehouse — My Version
Caution: Contains spontaneous combustion
If I were writing the ending of the Trump white house, it would go something like this:
Stephen Miller is not at risk for COVID-19, because he and his wife simultaneously climax by screaming ‘Heil Trump’ while swinging bags of stray kittens into a wall.
When Miller finds out his wife had an affair with a black man, he spontaneously combusts, and millions of horned fire beetles emerge from his carcass.
Trump, recognizing another single woman is in his vicinity and his fish brain forgetting that she has the virus, moves in. Trump contracts a 3rd strain of the virus, which manifests in turning his hair green so he now undeniably looks like an Oompa Loompa.
Trump soldiers on telling his cult that he will shit out this “Chinese, Democratic, Leftist, Mexican, hoax virus” in a fortnight. He vows to stop sleeping and working through night, signs what he believes is an executive order suspending the election and overturning the 2-term limit, making him President for life.
His tweet storm that follows promises big news in DM’s to @VladtheRailer, @MaduroManoro, and @KimmyBigBoiUn but instead, it is revealed that he has mistakenly signed the 25th amendment removing himself from office.
Trump flees but is apprehended by Kamala Harris and the FBI while trying to board a flight to North Korea. Rather than be apprehended, he too spontaneously combusts, leaving in his wake a giant squealing slug that latches onto Harris’ ankle. Thinking quickly, the FBI grabs Trump’s McDonald’s bag and incapacitates him with the salt of ten orders of large fries.
They then enjoy Big Macs while posing with the slug like a prize fish, when an agent mistakenly drops a dollop of special sauce reviving slug Trump for a 3rd time. He is then transported to his forever home — a terrarium perched atop HRC’s desk in Chappaqua.
Pence moves in and promises his flock that The Handmaiden Tale he’s been told about doesn’t sound that bad, and, if re-elected, he’ll get right on that. But first he must deal with the virus. He installs Joel Osteen and Jerry Falwell Jr. to help him, but after 3 months of trying and failing to pray away the virus, he quits, comes out as gay, and goes to live on a farm that rescues abandon alpaca.
As last, it looks like we will get a woman president (in what may have been the easiest path possible) when we get shocking news. A discreet executive order has amended the presidential line of succession.
Introducing President Mitch McConnell, who with a 5th stimulus package cuts corporate taxes to zero, shifts government debt liability pro-rata onto students, and eliminates healthcare for any person of color. He then redraws Novembers’ the election map to give land mass a higher proportional weight than people in the electoral college. All urban centers are linked within states in a gerrymandered map that looks like a squiggle maze.
When Joe Biden accuses him on the debate stage with a run-on sentence that gives the network time for three car commercials (“We’re there for you”, “No, we are there for you.”, “It’s you and us, just like always.”), McConnell cannot contain his glee.
#MoscowMitch laughs so hard, the gyrations cause his throat bubble to expand and strangle him. He drops dead on the stage. Like Miller’s, his body combusts as well, but this time, instead of horned fire beetles, its demon bats from from the 5th ring of hell that swarm the debate hall.
Biden is bitten and becomes patient zero of COVID-20, but will recover.
Looking spry, and with more energy than most thirty-year-olds, Bernie Sanders is sworn in by a crying John Roberts. At his inauguration, he shocks the crowd by staying on the same message he’s been on for the past fifty years, then lets his VP Liz Warren take the stage.
Ruth Bader Ginsberg retires and Barack Obama enters the court with an unopened beer that he places in front of Brett “Eat Me — Sigma Alpha Tau Mu Sigma” Kavanaugh saying the words, ‘Game On’.
Kelley Anne meanwhile sensing the shifting sands, tries to spin a reunion with her husband George, who, instead, finally wises up and divorces her. FOX NEWS welcomes her with open arms, but on the day she starts, flesh-eating locusts descend on the building and devour all inside, which also happens to include the editorial staff of the Wall Street Journal (same building, yes).
Ivanka drops the Jared facade and flees to Canada to make her move on Trudeau, but she fails to seduce him because he can’t read her facial expressions. He lets her down easy by telling her he doesn’t fuck fake blondes and assigns her a kush job working reception at the Tar Sands Tourism Bureau.
While fleeing the city, Betsy Devos’ Rolls Royce Phantom breaks down on the same block where a mob of students is protesting their oppressive debt load. Only her glasses are ever recovered.
With the collapse of real estate everywhere, Jared Kushner declares bankruptcy and is forced to move into one of his leaky, mold-ridden studio apartments. He attempts an unsuccessful swan dive from the eleventh floor.
Eric trump is hit by the campaign bus of Don Jr., which promptly drives off a cliff.
THE END.
About the Author: Cal spent two decades in finance. He’s looking to publish his first novel, Flatulence of Finance — an absurdist tale of Wall Street money, sex, drugs, and corruption.
